The Truth About Heaven
by ICanSeeYourFace
Summary: Two-parter. Rory dies in the car accident from "Teach Me Tonight", and goes to heaven, a heaven that looks a little bit different than she expected. God is not an old man with white beard, and an attempt to revisit her memories leaves her with a choice.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: This was meant to be a oneshot, but now it's turning into a two-parter. It takes place during the episode "Teach Me Tonight", and I began writing this story based on a dream I had a couple of weeks ago, and originally I planned to use the finished story as a Christmas-gift, but since I didn't get it done until now (1 pm on December 24th 2009 over here in Finland), I'm choosing to share it with you guys, as thanks for your support and overall awesomeness. Part two of this story is not yet in-progess, I think you'll know why when you get to the end. Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas!

**Disclaimer**: I, the author of this story, do not own any of the characters from Gilmore Girls. That honor belongs to the ever-so-lovely Amy Sherman-Palladino.

* * *

_Part 1_

I'm dead. Yeah, I know, it's sounds pretty daunting and so… final. Death is not what I expected it to be, but then again, it wouldn't really be death if it was predictable. Still, death is pretty weird. One minute I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car, trying to make Jess see reason: Ice cream should be eaten in bowls. Then, poof! I'm standing in one of the corridors at Chilton, it's broad daylight and I'm wearing my uniform. No walking towards the light, no light at all, really, except for the light shining in through the windows here. It didn't really take me long to figure it all out, even in death my deducting skills are sharp. I couldn't have gotten from my car to the hallowed halls of Chilton, unless… I was dead.

"Oh, God…" was my first spontaneous reaction, and my voice echoed eerily in the empty school.

Suddenly, a bright voice answered from behind me:

"You called?"

I quickly spun around. Down the hall, I saw someone leaning up againt a locker, my locker to be exact. I squinted my eyes, trying to make out who it was. At first I didn't want to believe it. It couldn't be…

"Francie?" I asked hesitantly, moving towards the redhead. What the deuce was she doing here?

"Oh, Rory, you're a smart girl. Really, I should be offended. Well, that is, if I'd be capable of feeling offended, which I'm not by the way," the Francie look-alike replied with a pealing laughter.

I couldn't really process this. I was dead, at Chilton, with someone who looked like Francie, leader of the Puffs, but wasn't Francie. Death. Dead. Heaven.

"No way…"

"Way way!" Francie countered smilingly, cocking her head.

"God..?"

"Present! Well, omnipresent to be exact. I don't get the surprised tone. I mean, people spend all their lives believing in me, and yet when they meet me they're all, like, 'No way, you can't be God', and it really bugs me."

"So…" I said, dragging out the o. "Francie was God… you?"

"No, no, no," God replied. "This is the form you've chosen for me. As is this." She turned around, motioning to the building.

"I chose Chilton as my heaven?"

"Looks that way."

"Can't I get Stars Hollow instead?" I whined. I was dead, this should be heaven, paradise. Chilton had been at best okay, but not a paradise.

"I'm sorry. Once you've chosen your place and your avatar for me… it's permanent."

"So I assume a change of costume is also out of question," I said, looking down at my school uniform.

"You assume correctly," God affirmed me with a pleasant smile. "I think it suits you."

"Let me get this straight…" This could not be true, this is a test of some kind… "I'm going to be stuck at Chilton for all of eternity, with God looking like the leader of the Puffs, a girl who got me into a lot of trouble with the Headmaster?"

"Pretty much." God shrugged her shoulders.

"Why? Why this place? It's not like I have a lot of fond memories from this place."

"Normally, people are pretty happy with the place they've picked for their heaven, and the usually know why they picked it," God mused contemplatively.

"So what does that say about me?" I asked anxiously. Surely, it couldn't be a good sign not knowing why heaven looked like it did when the choice had been yours.

God looked at me. It's a strange feeling having a deity in the form of a high school girl look at you. It's worse than those dreams where you think you're naked and you wake up still thinking you're naked. It's incomparable, a sort of profound moment that should leave you with some revered feeling (because, hey, it's God looking at you), but I was just nervous and jittery.

"You're insecure," God finally stated. "You don't know yourself, always being defined by your surroundings. Your mother's daughter, doted granddaughter, best friend, loving girlfriend, interest… You were never really you just to be you."

"You know me, right?" I argued. "The whole thing about knowing the innermost feelings and thoughts of all people. You know exactly who I am, don't you?"

"I do."

"Then tell me who I am! 'Cause this place tells me nothing, absolutely nothing!"

"I can't tell you who you are, Rory. But I can tell you that Chilton was a sort of fresh start for you. No one knew you, your accomplishments… Your dreams were yours, and for a tiny moment when you entered this school for the first time, you felt free of everything."

"Still nothing. No light at the end of the tunnel."

"Hey, what's up with that? People talk about seeing a light at the end of a tunnel and arguing about whether to walk towards it or not?"

"You're God, shouldn't you know?"

"I just find it very… interesting."

"Interesting enough to deviate from your obvious unwritten rule?"

"Come on, you know me…" God began cheerfully.

"No, not really," I deadpanned. Was I allowed to talk to God like this?

"Yes, you are," God replied to my thoughts.

I stared at her.

"Hey, omniscient deity, party of one! Anyhow, it was a figure of speech, but still, I'm all about self-discovery."

"But what about…"

"Your friends and family. You're wondering why you can't have them or anything to remember them by," God finished for me.

"That is pretty irritating," I pointed out sourly. "Do you always do that?"

"Sorry," God excused, smiling sheepishly at me. "Old habits, you know? But I'm right, right?"

"Yes… " I relented reluctantly, hanging my head. My heart wrenched at the thought of everyone I had lost. Mom, grandma and grandpa, Sookie, Luke, Lane, Dean… Jess.

"Jess!" I exclaimed, instantly feeling alarmed. I had not been alone in the car. Had he survived? My…

"No, your mother is not going to kill him."

"Is he okay?" I pressed on. I needed to know he was okay, that he had made it, because I sure hadn't.

"I can't tell you," God-Francie replied quietly, much to my irritation. "Not yet."

I huffed indignantly, crossing my arms over my torso and leaning up against the locker next to mine. Great. I'm stuck at my prissy private school for forever, with no one but God in a Francie-suit to keep me company.

"Hey!" God interrupted my silent rant. "Just because your loved ones aren't here doesn't mean you've lost them forever."

"Really?" I retorted angrily. "When did Lane ever visit Chilton? Or Babbette? Or… or Jess?"

"It's not about whether they were here or not. It's about connections."

"What? Connections?" I didn't understand a thing. Then again, God works in mysterious ways…

God began walking, and I followed. What else was there to do? God snickered at this thought. It would be hard getting used to the whole omniscient-part.

"Oh, don't trouble yourself on my account. I will still know everything and see everything. It's the omni-part of omniscient."

"Nice to know…" I muttered quietly.

"Now, where was I? Yes, connections. You may not realize it, but Chilton has been a sort of hub in your life, and everyone you ever loved or cared about has connections to it. Some are easy, like your mother, grandmother and boyfriend."

"Because they were here," I filled in as we passed Headmaster Charleston's office, remembering my first day at Chilton. Mom had overslept, and tried to hide her cowgirl outfit with a long, warm coat.

"Exactly. Other people, like Luke, Jess, Lane and the townspeople as you so lovingly call them, were never here, but are still connected. Your mother brought you coffee from Luke's on your first day here, that's his connection. Jess scrawled in a book you once brought to school, you picked up a school book from Lane's."

"But… the book… I read it in school long before Jess moved to Stars Hollow."

"You're thinking linear, Rory," God said, holding open the door to the food court for me. "Heaven, the afterlife, is not linear, it just is. While you can't have anything from the future on account of you not having one, you can access aspects from your life as long as they have some sort of connection to this place."

I could look back on my life, like it was some sort of TiVo-deal. Still, God's words from eariler, about me being defined by me surroundings came to mind.

"But I thought you said…" I began, sitting down at my usual table.

"Yes, I know I said that you were defined by the people around you. But self-discovery without reviewing the facts can hardly be considered any discovery at all, right? You need to see you like I saw you. People always find something they regret, no matter how perfect they thought their lives were."

"What happens when I do… discover myself?" I wondered.

"It's different for everyone."

"How do I start?"

"Easy, Rory. This is not some test you have to ace. It's not easy looking at yourself, and you want to take your time doing it. You won't have the same physical needs like hunger or sleep anymore, but you still have a soul, and souls are fragile," God explained, leaning over the table towards me. She had a concerned look on her face, which clashed with her appearance. I could never imagine real-life Francie ever looking that concerened about anything other than herself.

"Got it," I lied. I wanted to get this over with, soul be damned.

"You're not gonna listen to me at all, are you?" God then laughed.

"Yeah, well, you would know, right?" I replied playfully, even though I knew God was right.

God sighed, and shook her head, looking down at the table.

"What you need to do, is find the connections," she continued, letting her left index finger trace the veins in the tree of the table top. "Like I said, some are easy, some trickier."

"And what do I do when I find them?"

"You'll figure it out," God told me encouragingly. "Off you go." She waved me off.

"You're not coming with me?" I asked as I rose from the table. "I thought you were always supposed to be with me?"

"I am. I am everything around you, part of you and everyone else, omnipresent. I just rather enjoy sitting here, it's so… serene. Job well done to me."

I sighed, and began walking away, not really knowing where to go.

"You know where to find me!" God called after me.

"No, I don't…" I said, and spun around, but the room was empty.

I thought something I suppose one shouldn't be thinking in heaven, before shuffling off. I knew who I wanted to see first; my mom. The most obvious place to start at was the Headmaster's office, so I quickly rushed through the corridors until I found the door. Once I stood there, my hand clutching the door knob, I suddenly felt insecure. Nevermind it was just me and an omnipresent deity here, it still felt wrong to just barge in. I couldn't knock, what good would that do me? No one was in there. I sighed, leaving the door shut. I would have to think of something else that would connect mom to Chilton.

It took me some time, but then I remembered the parent-teacher night mom went to. She had told me all about it: the snotty parents, the crappy coffee, her lame wordplay as she almost knocked over a globe, Max… I hurried off to Mr. Medina's homeroom, bursting through the door. I didn't know what to expect, but nothing happened as I entered. The room was eerie and quiet, void of all life. Everything was still in there. Every book, every piece of chalk, every poster. I spotted the globe, smiling at the memory of mom reenacting the scene. I walked over to it, lightly tracing the outline of different European countries, destinations for a backpacking trip mom and I were supposed to go on when I graduated Chilton. Guess those plans were scrapped now. Mom's lame punchline lingered in my mind.

"What in the world…"

There was no flash, nothing. Just like when I died, I simply relocated in the blink of an eye. I saw mom, first my most recent memories with her, going backwards, the scenes flickering by rapidly. I was always there, a mirror image of her. Same blue eyes, same eating habits, same name. I relished in these images, taking comfort in the fact that I would always have the memories, and she would be close though still far away. In another blink I was back at Chilton, my heart aching with grief and sadness. My inner felt heavy, burdened, but I tried to push away the irrelevant feelings, racing off to find my other loved ones.

I found myself back at Headmaster Charleston's office for grandma, but could still not open the door. My socks became my portal to grandma instead. I noticed how my feelings towards grandma became more and more undecided the older the memories got. I once again mirrored my mom, mimicking her distaste for visiting grandma and grandpa.

I found Sookie in the courtyard where we held the bakesale and she lit herself on fire and mom had to put her out with punch, getting a rush of images where I was eating, and oh! how I missed Sookie's food. It made me want to switch heaven from Chilton to the Independence Inn where I at least could be in Sookie's shrine of a kitchen.

I rushed through memory after memory, my heart growing heavier and the ache never stopping. I relived my relationship with Dean with mild distaste, which only added to my nausea. By the time I got to Lane, I felt like I was gonna trip over my own feet. It didn't escape me either that in each memory surge, I payed less and less attention to the person I connected with, and more to myself and my behaviour. I didn't like what I saw. So, when I prepared for my last visit, I was scared. Scared of how I would look alongside… Jess.

God had told me… Wow, there's a sentence that sounds completely wrong. Nevertheless, God had told me my key to Jess was a book he had scrawled in and that I had brought to school a week or two before he moved to Stars Hollow. Since I couldn't see my bag anywhere, I could only assume that the book was in my locker. My fingers trembled as I unlocked the locker. Part of me wanted God to be wrong about the whole "time is not linear here"-thingy, because that would mean no book in my locker. But of course God wasn't wrong. When I swung open my locker I spotted it at once, Allen Ginsberg's _Howl_. Jess had nicked it at that disastrous "Welcome to Stars Hollow"-dinner, and filled it with his thoughts. Even with the book in my hand I still wanted this to just be a scrawl-free version, but no such luck. It only took two pages before the first scrawls in that all-too familiar handwriting caught my eyes.

That was all I needed, and I was back with him. It hurt so much, more so than anything I had ever felt. It became so painfully obvious that there had been that something between me and Jess, something that was completely absent in my relationship with Dean. It was a connection, deeper and more true, the almost perfect match. It wasn't perfect anymore. Even if I hadn't died, I would've been so flawed, so lost and ultimately lonely that there hadn't been a chance. I was lost. I had lost, failed in life. As I saw Jess make that coin seemingly appear out of my ear, his face all goofy-looking, something in me broke. It felt like getting stabbed, and my vision started blurring.

"Jess!" I screamed through the blur, feeling myself slip away. For a fraction of a second it seemed as if he turned his head and looked right at me. But he couldn't have heard me. This was a memory. He couldn't hear me. Never had, never would.

Darkness. Blessed darkness, I felt so safe. I could've happily spent eternity wrapped in this envelope of nothingness. Unfortunately, I heard muffled voices that penetrated the darkness and beckoned me to return.

"How could she do that, is she suicidal?"

Paris?

"Calm down…"

Louise?

"She's grieving, cut her some slack."

Oh, God…

"Cut her some what?"

Great, the trinity was complete with Madeline. What the hell were they doing here?

"Did you hear that?" the Paris-voice urged, clearly upset. "Can I smite her?"

"Sch… She's waking up.

"What are those three doing here?" I asked drowsily, as my eyes tried to focus on something.

"Nevermind that we just saved your butt, oh no, just be completely rude!" Paris barked in her ever so aggressive tone of voice.

"Seriously, I totally rock as a chick…" Louise mused, ignoring Paris.

"Do they actually dress like this?" Madeline said simultaneously, looking down at her school uniform.

I finally found God's, or rather Francie's face in the blur, and she was looking at me as if I had returned from the dead.

"You pretty much have," God replied. "I had to call in the special forces."

"Really?" I asked, looking at the trio who had made Chilton hard for me. "Paris, Louise and Madeline?"

"No, genius!" Paris , or at least I thought so, quipped angrily, before she turned to God. "I thought you said she was smart!"

"Okay, mission accomplished, guys. You're dismissed," Francie-God told the trio and they were gone in a blink. "Sorry about that. Their bedside manners need some work, but they're the best."

I noticed I was lying on the floor, my cardigan rolled into a bundle under my head. I hoisted myself up into sitting position, massaging my temples.

"Best at what, and who were they?"

"Angels…"

"Angels?" I exclaimed, and felt dizzy again.

"Arch angels, to be exact. We had Michael, Gabriel and Raphael in the house."

Three arch angels had shifted into my afterlife to do who knows what, in the shape of the human unholy trinity.

"I think I need to lie down again…"

"Do you know now why I asked you to go about this whole soulsearching with great care?"

God sat beside me, legs crossed, looking at me with a serious expression on her face. Yeah, I knew, sort of. I knew the end of ignoring God's warning, just not why I had mentally broken down.

"Rory, you're nothing but a soul here, I told you that. You still look like yourself, because this is your soul's true image of yourself, but that's it. There's no flesh, no bones to protect you, and souls are like the most fragile glass; it breaks easily."

"So… I broke?" I ventured, trying to make sense of something that was clearing going over my head.

"You literally broke," God clarified steadfastly. "You were still halfway between here and your memory, you almost got stuck there, and trust me, limbo is not a nice place to be stuck in."

"But…" I began, still not really having a full grasp on the situation. "I'm already dead.

"Your body is dead," God explained patiently, smiling at me. "Part of you is still alive, otherwise you wouldn't be here. The strain on your soul became too hard, and the memory of Jess sent you over the edge."

Going back to that memory had made me so sad, it still did. I could feel my eyes tearing up at the thought of it.

"I was such a fool, such an idiot…" I berated myself, and at that moment I really wanted to suckerpunch myself for my stupidity.

"You saw yourself…"

"And I hated it! I hated how I tried to be perfect, how I had to be the perfect girl, the Lorelai do-over, with the eyes and the brains and the perfect apple-pie floppy-haired boyfriend I didn't actually love. I wanted to see them, all of them, but all I saw was me with them, and how wrong I was, and it hurts so much."

God took my hand, and I felt something, like a spark of energy that pulsed through me. Wow, touched by God in the literal sense of the words.

"Rory, you need to calm down, or I will have to call the trio back," she told me calmly.

Right, calm. Nice and easy. Wouldn't want the angels in human suits back to do their holy mojo again.

"Did you notice anything while you were out there unintentionally trying to kill yourself?" God then asked me. "You know, anything special?"

"Apart from the fact that I could revisit my memories?" I quipped snarkily, tired of all the questions that never got answers I could comprehend.

"Well, apart from that…"

"Yeah, now that you mention it… There was something…"

"Yes?" God said expectantly, leaning in closer.

"Dean was a real douche. How could I ever date him? Seriously, the floppy hair was not that great."

"Rory…" God said, in a mock-reprimanding voice, but I could see her smiling quite widely. "Anything apart from sudden boyfriend-related revelations?"

I thought about my almost-fatal hunt for memories. How was I supposed to know what was out of place, this was heaven for crying out loud! It's not like I had anything to compare to. The closest thing I had to a model of heaven was heaven as it was described in _The Lovely Bones_, but I could scrap that image of heaven right away. Heaven was Chilton, and I had been everywhere looking for people. Well, almost everywhere…

"Why can't I enter the Headmaster's office?" I asked, looking straight at God.

"You couldn't go in there?" God in turn asked, not showing any sign that this was special.

"I don't think the door was locked or anything, I mean, what's the difference, there's no one but me and you here, and since this is how I imagine heaven, locks are irrelevant, but I still couldn't get myself to open the door and step inside."

"Anything else?"

"You're not gonna tell me it's good or bad that I can't enter one room in the entire school?"

"Anything else?" God repeated calmly, looking straight at me.

"Gee, let me think, Sookie's muffins didn't smell like they did when I was alive, and Mrs. Kim seemed a bit pale, and oh, my favorite, I think Jess looked at me when I went nuts and blacked out," I prattled, basically making stuff up (apart from the Jess-incident, but that was probably just me breaking down) just to piss God off, if that was possible.

"Jess looked at you?"

"Hey, you said it, I was halfway between here and my memory, I probably imagined it."

"Nothing is imagination here," God told me blankly, she seemed worried.. "Was it that you stood in a certain angle and he just seemed to look at you?"

"Oh, so me not being able to enter a room in heaven is nothing, but someone from my memory behaving just a teensiest bit off when I'm mentally breaking down, that's news?"

"More so than you could imagine," God simply said, still waiting for my answer.

I sighed dramatically.

"Fine… No, it was not that I stood in a certain place and it looked like he was looking at me. He turned his head and looked at me when I called for him," I then said, trying my best to sound bored and indifferent.

"You called for him? Whatever did you do that for?"

"I panicked! I don't know if you ever panic, but I did, and Jess was there, or well, almost there, and it was a reflex. Why is this important?"

God didn't answer. She just looked away, seemingly someplace else, and it made me anxious. God not answering questions, surely anyone would agree that that was not a good sign, right? I mean, God should have the answers for every question, why was this any different?

I don't know how long God was out of touch, but when she finally returned, she looked grim, and kind of… sad.

"Rory… I need to ask you something I rarely ever have to ask someone in your position."

"Fire away, it's not like I was ever a regular girl…" I muttered, cocking my eyebrow challengingly.

"I need you to choose between entering the Headmaster's office and getting to know why Jess looked at you when he clearly shouldn't have."

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**A/N**: So now I hope you know why I haven't yet started on part two. I need you to vote for which alternative Rory should pick. Entering the Headmaster's office or getting to know why memory-Jess did the very odd thing of responding to Rory's scream. I can't really go into details regarding what will happen by choosing one or the other, but I can give you this: Think about what Rory talked about in Headmaster Charleston's office on her first day of Chilton. Also consider the background to this story.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: And the votes are in! Sorry for taking so long to put this up, 2010 somehow began with a bang and there was a lot to do to prepare for both my job and my academic career *hrrmf*, but now it seems things are calming down. So, a majority of you wanted to see Rory choose to know why Jess looked at her. Your wish, my command and so forth, and so forth… Anyone sporting a sad-face over this decision, don't fret! I may at some point, when I don't have three other fics to update, write a complementary chapter where Rory chooses to learn why she can't enter the Headmaster's office. For that reason, I will not tell the great secret behind the door.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer**: I, the author of this story, do not own any of the characters from Gilmore Girls. That honor belongs to the ever-so-lovely Amy Sherman-Palladino.

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_Part 2_

"Wait, what do you mean I have to choose?" I asked, looking blankly at God.

"Exactly that. You have to choose. Jess not behaving as he should in your memory, or why you can't enter the Headmaster's office."

"Can't I have both? This is my heaven, after all. Shouldn't there be no limits to what I can do here?"

"Rory, these two things go beyond your corner of Heaven. This is a cosmic case of either-or, and as they say on earth: You can't have the cake and eat it too," God said, smiling at me.

"Well, that's just crap!" I pouted, crossing my arms. "How am I supposed to choose? I don't even know what will happen when I've picked one or the other. Why is it I can't have both? 'Cosmic either-or' doesn't say much."

I stared intently at God, who only gazed back at me ever so calmly. Of course. She couldn't tell me. Well, that, or she wouldn't tell me just to piss me off… This sucks.

"It's not like that, Rory," God protested, putting her hands on my shoulders, and I felt that tingling spark again. "My hands are tied, it's the result of me giving you free will. I can't give you any details about either option, because of the possibility that I could favor one option and thus influence you with certain pieces of information that would lead you to that option."

"You'd do that?" I asked God, sort of surprised.

"Well, no, not technically, but those are the rules. I should know, I wrote them."

"So, basically, I could go on speculating about all of this for eons, and you would neither confirm, nor deny my speculations?"

"Precisely."

I groaned loudly, and started pacing the corridor, back and forth. How was this even possible? Heaven should be fluffly clouds, and cute, crummy cherubs playing harps, and God should not look like Francie-freaking-Jarvis!

"I'm really sorry you were put in this situation, trust me, it's very rare that these things happen, but nevertheless they do. It's agonizing for me not to be able to say anything to make it easier…"

"Oh, you're sorry? I'm the one who have to pick! I have no idea what I'm chosing, and I have no idea what I will be missing out on by rejecting one of the options! I assume I can't call do-over if I regret my decision, so I will be stuck with whatever I pick… Wait…"

God cocked her eyebrows.

"That's sadly not an option," she answered me before I even got to say what I had in mind.

"Why not? Another cosmic hitch?"

"So to speak. You can't not choose, you need to confront either the memory or the office, or you will eventually get lost here."

"Get lost? Like… I'll turn a corner and not know where I am?" I said dubiously, doubting that I could ever get lost at Chilton. I had that map etched in my mind, even in death.

"You still think that everything is literal," God smirked. "No doubt will you find your way around this place, but you'll lose yourself. Your soul will slowly deteriorate until there's only a ghost, less than a ghost, left of you. Your well-being and very existence hangs on you picking either the memory or the office."

Great. So I'm basically dead if I don't make a decision. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Lovely place, heaven, really, you should all try it. Wait, you will. Okay, don't be as messed up as I am.

"Right, so let's face facts here," I mumbled to myself, rubbing my temples.

The sooner I got this over with, the better. At least I hoped so.

"The office. Headmaster Charleston, new school, lots of new things, mom in cowboy boots, Bitty under the desk. Wow, no help at all. Jess. Lots of memories of Jess. Jess at the bridge after the bid-on-the-basket-auction. Jess and me in the sledge, talking about the snow woman. Jess at the Welcome to Stars Hollow-dinner. Jess nicking _Howl_."

Jess. Troublesome, bookish, badboy, magician Jess, who pulled a coin from my ear, where was he now? According to God, mom hadn't killed him yet, so that was good. I didn't even bother thinking about what it could mean that he had responded to my call in my memory of him. If there was even a remote chance that I would get to know that he was okay, I'd take it. One closed door was not the end of the world, and really, what would I do in the Headmaster's office anyway? I had already rang the bell, what more was there to that office?

God was apparantly up to speed on my train of thought, since she was smiling warmly at me and especially at my memory of my debacle with the Puffs.

"Hey, way to have my back there," I said accusingly.

"It happened as it was supposed to happen." God shrugged her shoulders, and in that moment, she really reminded me of Francie.

"Why did he look at me?" I instead asked, biting my lip.

The smile vanished from God's face immediately, and turned serious.

"Are you sure about this, Rory? Remember, no do-overs."

"I'm sure. What's…"

"…one closed door, I understand."

God turned around, and started walking away from me.

"You remember how I said your mom hadn't killed Jess for the accident?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Well, that's because she never got her hands on him," God replied, still moving away from me.

"What, he skipped out on the accident?" I asked. That wouldn't be like Jess. He may be a labeled badboy, but he wouldn't leave a car crash.

"No, he wouldn't."

No, he wouldn't… But there was a chance that he had left, just not in the way I was used to people leaving. The suspicion grew inside me, filling me up like a horrible illness.

"But he's okay, right?"

"Define okay."

Then I knew my suspicion was true. Jess had left Stars Hollow. Same destination as me.

"He's dead." It wasn't a question.

"The living would say you didn't have luck on your side that night, but it was meant to be this way."

"Where is he?" I demanded, fighting tears I didn't know I had.

"Oh, he's here. Like you said, you two had the same destination, from day one," God told me comfortingly, though she was still standing with her back to me.

Jess was dead. Gone. I wanted so badly to say it was my fault, but I couldn't. I had tried to get him to stay with me in the diner to study. On the other hand, I couldn't blame him either. I don't even remember what happened, and come on, it was Stars Hollow, what could possibly have happened?

"Fate happened."

Fate be damned. Jess and I were dead. Mom and Luke had lost us, and I could do nothing about it. Anger suddenly welled up in me, and I kicked the wall closest to me, stifling sobs as I kicked away all my sorrow.

"So that's why he looked at me? In the memory?"

"It's part of the reason. For you to be able to see him respond to your call, he had to be dead, but the true reason he looked att you when you called his name is that he was visiting the same memory at the same time you were. That one, I could not foresee. Heavenly kismet at its best, I guess."

"So, we sort of met while in between heaven and… what did you call it? Limbo?"

"Yes." God finally turned around to face me, her face once again smiling.

What was so funny or joyfully about this situation that she could smile? I just found out that the boy I… felt some sort of deeper kinship with had died with me.

"Why don't you turn around and look for yourself?" God suggested mysteriously, nodding towards something behind me.

I turned around, and in the seconds it took to turn around, I could feel Heaven shift, so when I finally faced the other way, I was not in Chilton anymore. At first I thought I by some miracle had survived and simply had suffered from terrible amnesia as a result, because I was back in Stars Hollow. But then I noticed the differences. First of all, it was broad daylight and not a single human being in sight. The streets should be bustling with people and noise at this time of day. Then there were the more subtle differences. The light was different, it was… otherwordly, softer and spiked with some strange sense of it being a dream.

"Rory?"

Someone called my name, and I instantly recognized the voice. Jess! I swiftly turned, and spotted him standing in the gazebo, sporting that damn leather jacket.

"Rory, is that you?" he called again, now sounding hesitant.

"Jess!" I called in answer, defying the most fundamental Gilmore rule: don't run.

I sped towards the gazebo, I needed to be close, to see he was okay (okay, so he was in Heaven, he couldn't be doing too bad…). This was how it should have played out when we were alive. Me getting off the bus from Hartford, spotting Jess in the gazebo. Me running over to him, and him welcoming me home with a crooked grin and a book in hand. Nevermind Dean and his futile attempt at reading my favorites, chaste pecks on the cheek, and floppy haired, smalltown perfection.

"Rory, what are you doing here?" Jess asked, when I slammed into him, hugging him as if there was no tomorrow (which, technically, there wasn't).

"God…" I huffed, holding him tight, grinning wildly when I felt Jess wrap his arms around me.

"God sent you? Wow, first time he did something good…" Jess muttered under his breath.

"He?"

Jess' God was a he?

"Yeah, he. It's so ridiculous… Have you been here too? Have we just wandered around town missing each other?"

"No, I… My heaven looks like Chilton, and God looks like one of the girls I went to school with. Oh, and so far, I've managed to almost kill myself, which prompted an intervention from three arch angels, who looked like three of the girls in my class who used to hate me."

"You almost killed yourself?" Jess asked, sounding amused. "You managed to almost die in Heaven?"

"Write your God and ask for details," I teased. "Wow, this is so unfair, I wanted Stars Hollow for my heaven…"

"Yeah, and I wanted Washington Park in New York."

"Hey, you never said what God looks like to you."

"Not like anything I'd ever voluntarily pick, that's for sure."

"Come on, it can't be that bad. Francie, that's the girl God looks like to me, tried to get me to join Chilton's only secret student society, so they dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night, herded us all to Chilton and made us ring a bell in the Headmaster's office. Yeah, we got busted for it, and I never heard another word about having to socialize more in school."

"Yeah, well… I punched God the first time I saw him," Jess admitted, squirming a bit.

"You what?! You punched God?"

"And I may have insulted him. Very, very badly."

"Jeez, who's your God? Taylor?"

"No."

"Kirk?"

"Nope."

"Then who?"

Jess was quiet for a second, and I was just about ready to jump him and force the answer out of him, when he again spoke:

"Dean."

Dean. God in Jess' heaven looked like Dean. That's just… so wrong.

"Dean?" I asked, not really believing him.

"What other person in this nutty place would I want to suckerpunch and have no problem insulting?" Jess retorted.

"Point taken…"

We smiled awkwardly, and began walking. Neither one of us knew what to say, so we walked around the townsquare, staring at our shoes and each other, though we tried not to get caught looking.

"So…" we both said, upon having circled the townsquare for the fifth time.

"You heard me," I simply stated.

"I thought I was dreaming, but you were there, like a copy of the Rory standing in front of me, but different."

"Death becomes me," I tried to joke.

"You looked so frail and just… dead," Jess continued.

"Yeah, that was the incident where I was unintentionally killing myself," I explained and blushed. Really, I had almost killed myself, in heaven. I deserved a freaking award for that fluke.

"Are you mad at me?"

"Mad?" I replied, shocked that he would make the assumption. "Why would I be mad?"

We sat down at the bench beside the bus stop, and Jess slumped down, hiding his face in his hands.

"Hey, I am not mad, Jess. Whatever reason you think I'd have to be mad at you, I'm not."

"I killed us!" he exclaimed, sounding angry and hurt. "Come on, Rory, we're dead, and I killed us!"

"You…" I began, but was immediately interrupted.

"I drove the car, Rory, you were my responsibility, and I messed up."

"I was not your responsibility, Jess!"

He only grunted in reply.

"Fine, if you wanna play that game, then I killed us, too."

"Bullshit," he spat, turning away from me.

"I was supposed to keep you at the diner, studying, and I came with you, voluntarily, so don't even try to play the guilt trip-card with me."

"But we're dead, Rory. You can't deny that. We're not going back."

"Don't you think I know that, genius? The point is, we died. Died! No one killed us. Not you, not me, no one else. What happened… happened."

I put my arms around him, and just held him. He felt so bad for this, for something that wasn't even his fault. He leaned into me, and for the longest moment, we just sat here, in an empty Heaven-version of Stars Hollow, and this time it was not awkward. There was nothing more to say. He knew I didn't hate him, I knew he was okay, in am 'I'm dead'-sort of way.

"So…" Jess said, after an eternity of silence. "What are the odds that you'd get to stay here?"

"Slim to none," I said honestly. "I don't belong here, it's not where I'm supposed to spend eternity and whatnot. School apparantly lasts a lifetime and beyond."

He smirked at this, and I smiled. He needed to ditch the sadface and just… be.

"Well, at least we got this," he commented.

I knew he meant this moment, and I nodded in answer. It was definitely worth passing up the mystery of the Headmaster's office, even though I still didn't know why I couldn't enter. Being "home", or as close to home as I could ever get, with Jess was what I needed. It was closure on my earthly life, and I could move on.

"It was all I could ever have wanted," I whispered to him.

"Rory?"

A lot can be said about God, but she doesn't have timing. Both me and Jess flinched at the sound of her voice… well, his, in Jess' case. We looked up, and I saw God, looking very out of place with the school uniform, waiting for me.

"It's time to go back," she simply said.

Jess glared at her. That must sting for him, having Dean take me from him, like so many times when we still were alive. I turned my gaze from God to Jess, and cupped his chin in my hand.

"Something to remember me by…" I whispered, before I gently kissed him.

It was hard to describe the kiss. It had the same spark as God's touch, only amplified, and more electric. It was sizzling and soothing, filled with emotion and promise, and I wanted to freeze the moment, but knew I couldn't.

We broke the kiss, and gave each other a long look. I rose from the bench, and began walking over to God. God held out her hand to me, but I didn't take it. Jess seeing me and Dean walking off into oblivion hand in hand was not something I wanted him to torment himself with. Instead I turned around. Jess was still sitting on the bench, looking down at the pavement, hands tucked into the pockets of the leather jacket.

"Jess?" I called out.

He looked up, and he was the Jess I remembered him as from our time on Earth. Cocky rebel, always with a semi-indifferent look on his face. I couldn't help but smile.

"What?" he asked.

"Thanks for the memories."

We both snickered, 'cause it was such a corny line to say on the eve of our final separation, but it said everything. I still had him, in my memories. God took the opportunity to step out infront of me, and again I felt Heaven shift, and I knew that when I'd turn around, I'd be back at Chilton. I allowed myself one last look at the town that had been my home, at the boy who had been… I suppose I could call him my soulmate. Someone I could've… no, should've loved with all my heart. I turned around, and the marble halls of Chilton greeted me.

"What happens now?" I asked God, as she came up alongside me.

"You go on," she replied calmly.

"What if Jess and me visit the same memory again at the same time?"

"Not possible. The gateway is closed, you closed it together. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay," I said, and funnily enough, I meant it.

"Really?" God asked, now she was the one to sound surprised. "Other people who have faced the same problem almost cried their hearts out."

"He's okay. That's all I need to know."

"Okay…" God smiled now, widely and she looked satisfied. "You know where to find me if you need anything."

I waved her off, and then looked around me, at my place of eternity. I was dead, Chilton was heaven, and God had a weird sense of humour. Who would've thought?

* * *

**A/N**: Good? Bad? Tell me, please! It's 2.30 am overhere, so I'm going off to bed (which is a subtle way of saying "Excuse any typos you might find"). Remember, nothing says "This day will kick ass!" like a review in the morning. *wink*


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